It's a crazy world out there.

I have this crazy notion that I can go around China and document what is going on with this country of 1.4 billion people and that what I am doing is important.  That's a lot of portraits. After winning the gold and silver awards at the San Francisco International Photography Exhibit I find myself at a crossroads. What to do where do I go. I have an idea of what is next but I have no plan as to how to do this. I don't have a place to live yet. I am staying at a friends apartment. He just moved in too and there is no furniture. Everything is in boxes and I am on a mat in the middle of the living room typing this to you. I seem to have lost the edge I had before I went back to Albuquerque. Albuquerque was, is, the same place I left it. On the surface it's hot, dusty and empty. I didn't do any shooting there. I didn't want to. I felt uncomfortable shooting the same things I am shooting here. I saw a lot. Mostly people under a lot of stress. People afraid. There is a lot happening to America these days I can't seem to wrap my head around. I felt like I didn't fit in. It's hard to shoot anything when I am distracted by everything that is happening. There is something very easy and simple about getting behind the camera and photographing what you see and not worrying about the deeper meaning. That always comes out in the image if what I am shooting is compelling to me. Strange though I couldn't face the strangeness of it all. I took the easy route and took snap shots with my camera phone. A neat toy. It's not much of  a camera though. i told friends back in China I would send them pictures of my home town. That's what I did. Safe images that said nothing and sometimes pictures don't have to have a deeper meaning. But Albuquerque always holds a deeper meaning to me. My relationships with friends and family always drive the agenda. I always fall back into the roles I played before I left and this time was no different except I knew this was what I was doing. I didn't particularly like what I was doing a times but I felt I had no choice in the matter. I have to say though the time I spent in Albuquerque was good. I was happy this go round and I genuinely had a great time.  All the time thinking about what happens when I return to China. I have placed a time limit on China and now I am thinking why?  It's like I am late and need to hurry up. Residual karma from a past existence I am sure. I need to get out more. I am getting too paranoid.